It was around the end week of March when I chose to wear my favorite purple stripe shirt then simple jeans and flip-flops. Undeniably, I was excited. I had to put on make-up, (which I never do unless I was working or heading to a party) so basically it was another half of me that was ready to give myself away.
On the same day, I chose to eat my favorite fries and try a new cuisine all at the same time before I headed home. A month after, something was strange. I kept on complaining to my boss about this problem and she helped me to think about certain options. Days after, I decided to have a weekend vacation that would lessen my stress. A month after, I was given a rose on Mother’s Day which was kinda odd. A month after again, someone bought me the key to the truth. Like in radio paging, “Negative.”
Two months passed, unemployed but everyday was normal until I kept on borrowing my mom’s clothes to keep up with the weight I was gaining. Of all the lunch outs and dinners (specifically buffets) I had, no doubt I was getting bigger. I drank with my friends, doing heavy chores at home and kept drinking coffee everyday. By the time I realized, it was unusual especially for me to gain so much weight. I have eaten the same amount since college and I was not gaining the same way. My mom was anxious, “You might be ill. We have to see a doctor.”
3rd of September, the monitor was so clear. It was so alive. Her heartbeat was so normal. She was at the right position. I cried. I did not cry because I knew for the next 3 months of my life everything will change. I cried because I wasn’t able to take good care of her for the past 3 months.
Second week of October, I had some true friends back. Until slowly it was announced to almost all of our relatives and closest friends. Everyone was so excited, except for one person (which I felt) but I just did not give it anymore attention. Maybe, he wasn’t ready.
16th of November, I chose to wear my favorite purple dress since shirts can no longer fit me. I came up the restaurant, had a good time with the burger and fries, listened to a speculation, went down, had a very disappointing conversation, waited for my mom to fetch me, and went home.
I promised to myself, it will be the last time that I will cry on that very same day.
The next following days were special.
It was special because I realized my worth as a person. I learned the lesson of loving yourself first before loving other people because loving other people first was always my capability for the past 8 years, (well that let me down).
It was special because I felt true love from my family. Even though my dad does not earn enough to feed 8+plus persons, he still insisted. Even though my mom graduated in taking care of children, she still insisted. Even though my sister earns enough for herself, she still insisted. Even though the rest of my brothers and sisters cannot handle a person like me, they still insisted.
It was special because I felt my true friends. Hometown friends who were very excited to adopt my daughter and have their own schedules of taking care of her. High school friends I had misunderstandings with (coincidentally) everyone came back the same time I needed a support group. High school friends when all we did was drink and drink and drink, but they would always want to visit me. College friends who were very understanding and patient with all of my stories when I got bored at home waiting for my water to break. Lastly, friends who were special from the past but still kept up making their ex-girlfriend smile. Oops, hashtag awkward.
It was special because of the 7 hours of labor + 1 hour of operation. Even though I was in great pain, I know the pain itself would take it all away.
My physician raised her then at 3:16am I asked the anaesthesiologist on what time was it, “He said 3:16am. But you gave birth 3:15am.” (Parang Mean Girls lang ang peg when Aaron Samuels asked what day was it on October 3rd lol)
And then I witnessed God.
The biological father may have left us, but check above the people that love me. That one problem was easily removed. God wanted me to cry just for one day. He wanted me to realize the importance of friends and family that I have not been with for the past 2 years. He wanted me to be Hulk with a Dora Explorer heart, to just be strong and continue the journey. He wanted me to focus on what I have to gain instead of what I lost. He wanted me to learn the lesson of loving myself first and the rest will follow.
I guess I did not lose anything at all. I think I won.
So whoever you are undergoing challenges (much more than I experienced), smile. Don’t drag yourself to loneliness. Always remember, others have it worse. Everything happening to you now is because of you. And always remember what Southborder said, “There’s a rainbow always after the rain.” (HAHAHA Southborder amp)
See the good in everything and you will witness God.