Here Comes the Sun: Celebrating Two Years of Strength and Conviction

“Kailangan na natin kausapin ang Mama mo.”

Anxiety, nerves, fidgets.

Exactly 2 years ago, that line from my Ninong was worse than hearing I dropped out of college (which I did not. Do not worry) – since I don’t have my father present, my Ninong was one of the father figures I had to consult to when it comes to these situations.

It transpired when he mentioned to my mom that it better be a baby than an illness. If it would be an illness, I have to be ready to be diagnosed with cancer or whatever Fault In Our Stars invented character I should be compared to. If it would be pregnancy, I have to be ready to be diagnosed with a life changing moment.

8 months before that so-called eerie line, I was wearing my favorite purple shirt, jeans and flip flops. I just wanted to hang out with him for a day but details went overboard.

A month after, I was so happy because I had my period. The following day, my period left me.

I tried not to worry because I did not have any symptoms. I wasn’t having any morning sickness. I felt like my weight was just the same. My physique was changing due to the buffets/dates we’ve been doing. I thought it was all just because of eating.

A month after, I went to parties and vacation trips which of course, had a chance of alcohol intake and smoke inhale.  I was also impulsive to have at least one milktea/coffee a day with my officemates. I was very confident that I would still be continuing living the single life. Who would’ve known that I would still be single; living with another life.

“Pumunta na kayong ospital para lang masigurado kung ano talaga meron dyan sa tiyan mo. Kung sakit yan, mahirap na. Kailangan maagapan agad. Kung bata yan, be thankful kasi blessing yan.”

And so my mom and I went.

Anxiety, nerves, fidgets.

“Hi, doktora. Pacheck-up lang po kasi di po namin alam if ano po meron sa anak ko. Kung buntis po ba or baka po kasi sakit.”

“When was the last day you had your period?”

Shit, I said to myself. How would I consider my last menstruation as my last period if it only lasted one day? The one I remember having my real period was during the first few weeks of March. Shit, I said to myself. I didn’t know the fertility period, etc. I didn’t know that when we made love, if I was fertile or not.

“Pero doc, sure bang pwede mabuntis sa ganung proseso? Kasi parang imposible.”

Oo pwede yun. Kasi (explains in a very medical way – quite shocked I understood it). Ultrasound na kita after ko bilangin yung days ng period mo.”

Beating, moving, affecting.

“Oh, may baby oh. May heartbeat. Gumagalaw na siya. Ito heart rate nya. Ito yung age nya. Pero hindi pa clear ang gender. Mukhang lalake pero hindi pa malinaw. Congratulations Ms!”

Crying, staring, stationary.

Maybe it was quite conventional that I would not react in any other way but I was calm. Seems like I’ve already expected the outcome. Seems like I was ready to be a mother. Seems like I was ready to change diapers, buy milk and dance to nursery rhymes.

Seems like everything would fall into place.

“Tawagan mo siya ngayon. Papuntahin mo siya dito. Sabihin mo urgent.”

“Kailangan mo daw pumunta dito sabi ni Mama.”

“Bakit? Ano meron? Sige.”

So siguro naman alam mo na kung bakit ka nandito. Buntis si Anje.”

Anxiety, nerves, fidgets.

“Paano ka mabubuntis sa ganun?”

“May kaibigan akong OB diyan sa baba. Tawagin namin to further explain the process.”

Crying, staring, stationary.

Tatanong ka namin kung paninindigan mo ba o hindi? Kasi kung hindi, okay lang. Andito kami para kay Anje. Kung paninindigan mo, sabihan mo sa amin. Then, welcome to the family.”

“Opo paninindigan ko po.”

“Nakakita ako ng bata sa kalsada. Ayoko maging ganun yung anak natin. Gusto ko sya lumaki ng maayos.”

I had 3 physicians to check on the kind of process when getting pregnant (which neither of us have knowledge).

Because I can’t seem to process that I could get pregnant.

“Pwede po ba mabuntis sa ganung process?”

“Pwede, iha. As long as (medical explanation).”

I still cannot believe if I was Virgin Mary or what. So I sought another physician, and another.

“Iha, pwede yun. Sino nagsabi na imposible? Doktor ako. Bakit ayaw mong maniwala.”

Awakening, breathless, hopeful.

Celebrated his birthday, celebrated our anniversary.

I gotta be honest, during the first few weeks of knowing that we were pregnant, he was very supportive.

Until he asked me to eat out.

Zark’s BF, I remember we had our first monthsary date there.

Zark’s BF, I remember we had our last talk.

I went in the restaurant and saw two of his siblings. Which made me wonder.

“Gusto ko ipa-DNA.”

Oh, that’s why.

Of course, surveying 3 physicians, who would not believe it already? And there’s already an ultrasound.

Seems like everything did not fall into place.

Quickening, provoking, heartbreaking.

I guess I was the only one happy and excited. And I felt it.

1 month left before I give birth and this is what I had to bear the brunt.

“Merry Christmas, Anje! Wishing you the best for you and your baby!”

My deadline was from December 19 – 22.

She was kicking so hard and pressing my abdomen so hard during the night of the 26th and 27th.

So we rushed to the lying-in 27th of 1PM.

Just to remind everyone that you are not allowed to deliver your first born in the lying in because it’s susceptible for cesarean section.

SON. OF. A….. ITWASSOFUCKINGPAINFUL.

I was rushed to the hospital because I was really having a hard time pushing, and pushing.

I was in labor for 9 hours.

“Please, hiwain niyo na ako. Hindi ko na kaya.”

“Anje, kung kaya mo parin i-normal pilitin mo.”

“Hindi ko na po kaya. Magpapahiwa na po talaga ako.”

3:15AM

8:26AM

11:19AM

“Uhaw na uhaw na ako.”

“Sorry ma’am. Hindi pa po kayo pwede uminom ng tubig. Babasain ko nalang po yung bulak tapos idampi niyo nalang po sa bibig nyo.”

“Kailangan nyo po munang umutot. Kapag nakautot na po kayo, pwede na po kayo uminom ng tubig at makakain ng sabaw o kanin.”

“Kamukhang kamukha ni B***.” Kamukhang kamukha ng tatay.”

Uprightly speaking, it never sunk in for the first 4 months of motherhood. There would be times I would not get the fuck up to take care of her, give her milk, change her diaper, etc. There would be times that I really never felt I had a kid. The elders say it’s postpartum anxiety.

Come to think of it, it is.

As I write this entry, taking you back to the not so cloudy phase of my life, I have never been proud of what I’ve become.

I was always arbitrary when it comes to making decisions. I was always arbitrary when it comes to having goals in life. I was always arbitrary, period.

When this little piece of great sunshine came into my life, every negativity collapsed. Every misty and subtle environment of my life have collapsed.

All I wanted was to stay in love with her.

I would remember the times wherein I had to go to the mall and watch a movie.

I would remember the times wherein I had to focus on myself.

I would remember the times what beer should I buy.

Gently, slowly, cultured.

Now every time I would go to the mall, I would always look for a baby dress.

Now every time I would ask what she wants or needs.

Now every time I would go to the milk section.

I thought falling in love with someone was the best feeling in the world.

It is, actually.

I would stay up late just to play with her.

I would go and wake up if I hear her crying or feel her moving.

I would do just any damn thing.

Captivated, joyous, blessed.

I thought falling in love with someone was the best feeling in the world.

It is, actually.

Because it is not only through having a partner/boyfriend/girlfriend that you would want to fall in love with – – – which in my case, is gone.

I have my family and friends.

I have her.

I actually have it all.

Better, stronger, and more capable.

But, maybe she was really meant to be alive. She was meant to be kept and not her biological father. She was really meant to be here and not her biological father. She was meant to be healthy. For me, for the both of us.

We’re all each other has.

A partner for life who would never leave me, even as we were left behind.

Content, indebted, relieved.

Just celebrating 2 years of strength.

Thankful to the Lord, family and friends. Blissful thankfulness!

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4 thoughts on “Here Comes the Sun: Celebrating Two Years of Strength and Conviction

  1. So happy for you and your baby! :) nakaka curious ano yung ‘proseso’ na minention mo kung pano ka nabuntis haha i wanna ask pero i know its too personal haha. Anyway I’m happy for you! ☺️

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hi Kat! :) oo. Dami ngang nacucurious eh. Pero I’m an open book so go ahead and message me para ma-inform ka din. Bakit ko naman ikakahiya ang mga bagay na alam ko naman ay totoo diba.

      Thank you so much Kat! God bless you :)

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Wow! Nagulat ako willing ka i-share. Na-activate ang pagiging chismosa ko lol. Hanapin ko pano ka imessage, naka mobile lang kasi ako now 😁 God bless you and your baby too! ☺️

        Liked by 1 person

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