In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Audience of One.”
How many years has it been? Two? Seven? Ten? Maybe even thirteen years since the last time I saw the youthful and brave person you used to be. I’m not making this letter just so I would know how are you doing. I’m making this letter because I know you’re the only one right now who would understand what I’m actually feeling. I’m making this letter because I hope you know what I’m going through. I’m making this letter because I want you to know how I’m doing because I had these feelings before and you were a part of it. You were part of such drastic, romantic and psychedelic feelings. Remember?
I think I need your guidance. I’m not seeking your guidance because it’s all your fault but I think you may have been a participant with the endless twinge I am currently feeling. Since you have been a participant, maybe, just maybe you could help me out on this one.
I am not okay. I may seem to be but the heavens know that social media is such a front. Heavens know that the photos and posts really don’t encapsulate the whole me. Heavens know that being the comedic person that I am, not even a touch of gold would propel it. So how would you help me?
First, I’m struggling with my faith. You’ve known me since forever and you know that my faith rarely diminishes. You know that what happened to us, always made me faithful into the eyes of God – good or bad. You know that whenever others need to take a leap of faith, I would do my biggest and bulkiest effort just to ease whatever kind of resurrection they need. But no, I’m not that kind of person anymore. Maybe, not today. It is because I have lost control of myself. I lost control of the things that I want to become or what I need to be. I have lost control of how would I put myself in silence and in prayer for everything to be okay. But no, maybe not today. So what I need you to do, is I need you to help me restore my faith. I know that I’m the only one who can do it but I need you because you’ve brought such a great influence on my faith years ago, and even if you have hurt me and despite the pain we both went through, I know that when you listen, talk and look into my eyes, my faith will be restored. If it means praying, laughing, playing online games or driving to the farthest province we can, I’m ready. Maybe, you are not today but a part of this writing increased my faith in you that you can. So maybe, just writing to you can rehabilitate my faith.
Second, I’m struggling with love. Of all the people I would want to write a letter, I think you would be the best example. Why? C’mon, we made plans and dreams together that ended up into this box of deceit and parting. This box I’ve already thrown away because I sought for another you – which I thought would replace you. Well, actually some boxes did at some point. I remember when you told me the reason why you loved me is because I never stop loving people, and I appreciate you for telling me this. But right now, having all these circumstances that brush through my inner beauty and my outer negatives – and the rest of the parts that build me, I am sinking with love. Impossible right? Let me tell you this. There’s a person who wants to love me, he knows I can’t. You know I can’t love him. It’s just basically, I don’t love him the way he does. I met another person and all I wanted was to love him, but of course it turned out to be shitty and discouraging. After a few months, I met another person whom I wanted to make another box with pure happiness and aspirations but somehow, he can’t. As much as I want to love him, he only sees me as a friend, fuck right? But he deserves more. I want to give him more than what he really deserves but if he can’t love me the way I do, who am I to compete? Who am I to compete with someone who’s in a relationship with a person for years? Who am I to compete with someone which I can’t really suffice him on his desires? But I can’t compete to stop myself loving him. I just can’t. So what should I do? Should I remain a good friend as I have with you? Or should I just stop fucking around and endure this damn pain? What would you do? I’m so tired. I’m awfully tired and sometimes, I don’t want to love anymore. But how come, I can love you as a friend and it doesn’t work for him? Yung binabasura siya ng minamahal nya pero para sa akin, kayamanan ko siya. Yung ganyan ang peg! Haha. Pero putang ina tsong, sobrang hassle na hassle na ako sa feelings ko. Tulungan mo ako. Kung hindi pa ako nag putang ina, hindi pa talaga mae-emphasize yung na-feefeel ko ngayon. Hahaha
Lastly, I’m struggling with myself. It can’t get any more complicated, right? I’m struggling with myself not because I’m empty but I think I lack discipline; with the way I eat, drink and anything else you can think of. I’ve had such same struggles before but today, it may be different. It’s like I’m this cannonball who keeps on hitting walls and exploding and then basically, that’s just who am I to people. I give what they want and once I’m done with my job, they don’t need me anymore. You know I’ve been struggling with this kind of situation for years now, and not just because money is involved but it’s the Hitler-ish type of world I’m living in. It’s like one more move, I’m dead. It’s like I can never think of any thing more fruitful to say of how thankful I am for my life but sometimes, when another battle is happening, the cannonball will be used again. And again, and again. Just like how you used me. So, what do you think should I do? Remain the same person as I was with you whenever you used me? Or grow into this feeling that I hope would change me? Just as like as I have outgrown you.
Outgrow when? Two? Seven? Ten? Maybe even thirteen years since the last time I saw the youthful and brave person you used to be. I’m making this letter because I know you’re the only one right now who knows what kind of hell you put me through – this kind of hell restored my faith, fall into the arms of love and know myself more. I’m really sure you know what I’m going through – because you were the first one who have put me in these kind of situations. I’m making this letter because I want you to know that you are still a part of this. You are part of such drastic, romantic and psychedelic feelings. I hope you remember but I do know you remember.