A Fear, Disappear, One-Half, One-Fourth

 

What’s your greatest fear?“, somebody asked. I answered confidently, “Snakes.” They asked, “Why?” then, I could not answer.

Just by the word itself, I really do not feel like typing but I have to for the sake of this entry.

I remember so vividly scanning through old photo albums in our old house in the province, a 3-year-old me sitting on the bed with scattered toys and my body being caressed by a snake stuffed toy. And mind you, I was smiling in that photo.

I never remember any situation that I was in front of an evil reptile trying to bite me. All I remember were dreams. If they’re not chasing me, they’re trying to get into my system.

And I thought maybe it’s just a symbolism of the rest of the fears that I have.

Fear #1: Dying Without Any Meaning

Real talk? Everyone’s afraid of dying or everyone’s afraid of their loved ones dying. But to me, I think I’ve accepted that it’s a reality we all have to face. The only question to myself is how do I want to die? I don’t wanna sound blunt and I don’t want to sound heroic but I just want to be honest. I don’t want to die because of old age. I don’t want to die because of an accident. I don’t want to die because I have cancer. But the thing is, I am not in control of my death. To make that fear disappear, I have to do something about it. It just basically means I have to live life to the fullest, plus not taking anyone for granted. Or as kids now say it as YOLO. It would be a bonus if I die protecting someone else (I am a frustrated military woman). But okay fine, I really want to die for someone. (I still have this American Sniper hangover besides the fact that I wanna be sniped by Bradley Cooper hihihi)

Fear#2: Heights

Aside from the fact that I’m small, I have the weirdest conditions when it comes to heights. When riding the escalator, I could not stand on the left side. It always has to be on the right, going up or going down. When strolling in the mall or any (2nd floor and up) as long as I’m elevated, I could not walk beside the railing, it really scares the shit out of me. I really get so weak and I always imagine that someone might push me or I might get out of balance then I fall.

I also remember during my internship, (the company that I was in training for is located in the 9th and the 11th floor) pressing the number 9 on the elevator but I don’t why it went to the top floor. So I started imagining things (yes, I have a very very strong imagination especially for suicidal attempts but don’t worry, I can control it haha) that someone will pull me so that I would jump off the building and finding Four catching me as I imagine myself as Tris. Catch me Four, I’m falling FOUR you. Hahaha

Fear#3: Favoritism and Being Compared to Others

As much as I never want to compete with anyone, it will always happen. You do something wrong, they’re going to think about someone who did it better. Maybe, it’s a way of encouragement. Maybe, it’s a way for you to do better for yourself not others. But maybe, it kinda pisses me off. I also have favorite people in my life but I never let others feel that they’re my favorite (especially my three bestest friends plus my daughter and… hahaha just kidding!)

It’s just not because of favoritism that I get to be compared to others. Some do it unconsciously. Yes, unconsciously hurting my feelings or unconsciously trying to hurt my feelings to get jealous and make a scene. But no, thank god I can still control the pain. Although there are times that I compare myself without anyone provoking me to. Sometimes I feel bad. I always tell myself, “I cannot be like her, I cannot be like her, I cannot be like her.” But guess what, I am not like her and I can never be her but I think we were made in our own very unique way. I have something she doesn’t have and I lack something she doesn’t. But at the end of the day, all I could think of is, as much as I try not to compete with her, she haunts me every fucking minute and I hate it. For example, whenever I want to do or say something, sometimes I don’t want to continue it anymore because I’m thinking that she has done it already so why would I do it? It’s that inevitable. It’s that painful. It’s like baa baa black sheep have I any wool? Yes ma’am, I have three shits full.

 

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