Another year, it’s another year.
Another year for the effin hassle urinalysis. I’m serious. The moment I woke up last Thursday morning, the only one thing that was running through my mind other than you was the urinalysis. It’s not that I can’t completely fill up the container, it’s just I’m a bit finicky when it comes to shooting my urine into that small container with my big *coughs*
But let’s talk about that later.
Let’s start with my officemates and I’s plan to meet at 7AM in the office. The only available time for the APE was 11pm-5pm (our shift is from 10am-7pm) so yeah, we only have the morning to finish it.
Step 1 – Filling out the form
That moment when it’s not indicated what you should fill out or what the nurse should be filling out I think it really has to be indicated in the form so we won’t be Ms. Know It All but what the hell, I just answered what I can.
Previous smoker YES/NO ____ years
Present smoker YES/NO _____ years
I encircled YES for previous then put 10 years. I encircled NO for present and put N/A for years. My answer was wrong.
The nurse edited the form and asked me how long have I been smoking and how long has it been since I stopped. 1 month pretty nurse, 1 month. What. An. Acheivement.
Step 2 – Height and weight
My normal outfit for my feet is just ballet flats with ballet socks. They did not let me take out the socks anymore ’cause the good smell just might flourish the whole room. I’m really okay with the height part because I know, ever since I was in high school I have been 5’11, woops. 4’11. Oh god, here goes the weighing scale.
Ohhhh motherfucker. When I was in college I was 110 lbs and now I’m 136?!?!?!?!?!
Step 3 – Blood Pressure
The timing was very appropriate. The evening before we went to take our APE, we ate a lot of chicharon.
Booyah!!! So did it all burn when I was sleeping? Or because I was sleeping in hell?
Step 4 – Eye Examination
Nurse: Please read number !@#$%^
Anje: Sorry nurse?
Nurse: Please read number !@#$%^
Anje: Sorry nurse, I didn’t get that. What number?
Nurse: Number 8.
Result: 20/20 vision
Though very poor hearing
Step 5 – The other physical exam
The stethoscope time. The physician also asked me if I have any background on any of the following listed on the paper like vertigo, diabetes none none none then she asked allergy. Yep, if I eat too much chicken or egg and when I say too much that would mean everyday for 2 weeks. She also asked about how long are my periods, how many napkins a day, did I have any miscarriage, am I currently pregnant, had any operation…
So I started asking her about the pain I was feeling from my suture down to my carnal treasure and she told me, “As long as you don’t bleed or excrete blood, everything’s fine. It’s really normal for those who have c-section, even if 3 years passed already.”
Yes doc, seems like I passed away for 3 years already.
Then she asked me, “Are you going to waive the breast, genital and butt?”
I asked her back, “What do you mean waive?”
She responded, “Your breast, genital and butt.”
I asked her again, “What waive?”
She buzzed her tone, “If do you want me to check your breasts, genitals and your butt.”
Result: I have comprehension issues
Yep, I let her check those three. Thank god she’s a female physician. But at some point I was asking myself, if she checks my genitals and I don’t feel aroused, I am still a proud straight woman.
Thank god I did not feel anything. Hallelujah! Salvation! I still like dicks! HAHAHA
Result: My breasts, genitals and butt are all normal
Step 5 – The first time audio test
Oh good gracious, do I still have to test my hearing even if coming from the eye examination story I would already know what my results are going to be?
I was placed in a booth where I can still hear the sounds from outside so I don’t know what kind of booth they invented where I was instructed to wear the headset and just press the switch which will light and will signal the physician that if I did hear something loud or soft sound, I should still press it.
It’s the first time I had this test. When we had our APE last year, there was none.
And when we had our APE this year, my hearing was none as well.
No results yet
Step 5 – The awkard xray with this handsome radiologist
Who, I didn’t get the chance to be accompanied. When it was our turn already, he left I don’t know where he went, I was so ready to take my clothes off – or let him take my top off voluntarily and just be pressed unto the xray by his gorgeous hands but no. He left.
We were stuck with this not-so handsome radiologist that’s why my xray was very quick. It’s very awkward when you’re the only one inside and they’re all males. The only thing that covered me was the lab gown that wasn’t tied because I don’t know who invented this lab gown if I can’t reach the ties.
Result: Let’s pray for the better. I don’t want to have a second x-ray.
Well, if it’s the handsome radiologist I would really smoke again and let him check my breasts, I mean my lungs again.
Step 6 – My hatest and last step: URINALYSIS
It was quarter to 10 and we all had to go back. I really felt like peeing already so we all went to the loo.
I went in the cubicle, dropped my pants, squatted a little, tried peeing slowly… Very very slowly…
It was my first time peeing in the container without any spill! I am so proud of myself!
Result: I washed my hands via the happy birthday process. In addition, I put alcogel thrice on my hands after washing. Ewwww. My pee was warm (though love it), unlike my heart – very very cold
The real result will come out maybe 6 months from now, not sure though
Overall Result: Pending