Anal, Oops Annual Physical Exam 2016

Another year, it’s another year.

Another year for the effin hassle urinalysis. I’m serious. The moment I woke up last Thursday morning, the only one thing that was running through my mind other than you was the urinalysis. It’s not that I can’t completely fill up the container, it’s just I’m a bit finicky when it comes to shooting my urine into that small container with my big *coughs*

Source: Google

But let’s talk about that later.

Let’s start with my officemates and I’s plan to meet at 7AM in the office. The only available time for the APE was 11pm-5pm (our shift is from 10am-7pm) so yeah, we only have the morning to finish it.

Step 1 – Filling out the form

That moment when it’s not indicated what you should fill out or what the nurse should be filling out I think it really has to be indicated in the form so we won’t be Ms. Know It All but what the hell, I just answered what I can.

Previous smoker YES/NO ____ years

Present smoker YES/NO _____ years

I encircled YES for previous then put 10 years. I encircled NO for present and put N/A for years. My answer was wrong.

The nurse edited the form and asked me how long have I been smoking and how long has it been since I stopped. 1 month pretty nurse, 1 month. What. An. Acheivement.

Step 2 – Height and weight

My normal outfit for my feet is just ballet flats with ballet socks. They did not let me take out the socks anymore ’cause the good smell just might flourish the whole room. I’m really okay with the height part because I know, ever since I was in high school I have been 5’11, woops. 4’11. Oh god, here goes the weighing scale.

149 cm

62 kg

Ohhhh motherfucker. When I was in college I was 110 lbs and now I’m 136?!?!?!?!?!

Step 3 – Blood Pressure

The timing was very appropriate. The evening before we went to take our APE, we ate a lot of chicharon.

Result: 120/80

Booyah!!! So did it all burn when I was sleeping? Or because I was sleeping in hell?

Step 4 – Eye Examination

Nurse: Please read number !@#$%^

Anje: Sorry nurse?

Nurse: Please read number !@#$%^

Anje: Sorry nurse, I didn’t get that. What number?

Nurse: Number 8.

Result: 20/20 vision

Though very poor hearing

Step 5 – The other physical exam

The stethoscope time. The physician also asked me if I have any background on any of the following listed on the paper like vertigo, diabetes none none none then she asked allergy. Yep, if I eat too much chicken or egg and when I say too much that would mean everyday for 2 weeks. She also asked about how long are my periods, how many napkins a day, did I have any miscarriage, am I currently pregnant, had any operation…

Bleak.

So I started asking her about the pain I was feeling from my suture down to my carnal treasure and she told me, “As long as you don’t bleed or excrete blood, everything’s fine. It’s really normal for those who have c-section, even if 3 years passed already.”

Yes doc, seems like I passed away for 3 years already.

Then she asked me, “Are you going to waive the breast, genital and butt?”

I asked her back, “What do you mean waive?”

She responded, “Your breast, genital and butt.”

I asked her again, “What waive?”

She buzzed her tone, “If do you want me to check your breasts, genitals and your butt.”

Result: I have comprehension issues

Yep, I let her check those three. Thank god she’s a female physician. But at some point I was asking myself, if she checks my genitals and I don’t feel aroused, I am still a proud straight woman.

Thank god I did not feel anything. Hallelujah! Salvation! I still like dicks! HAHAHA

Result: My breasts, genitals and butt are all normal

Step 5 – The first time audio test

Oh good gracious, do I still have to test my hearing even if coming from the eye examination story I would already know what my results are going to be?

I was placed in a booth where I can still hear the sounds from outside so I don’t know what kind of booth they invented where I was instructed to wear the headset and just press the switch which will light and will signal the physician that if I did hear something loud or soft sound, I should still press it.

It’s the first time I had this test. When we had our APE last year, there was none.

And when we had our APE this year, my hearing was none as well.

No results yet

Step 5 – The awkard xray with this handsome radiologist

Who, I didn’t get the chance to be accompanied. When it was our turn already, he left I don’t know where he wentI was so ready to take my clothes off – or let him take my top off voluntarily and just be pressed unto the xray by his gorgeous hands but no. He left.

We were stuck with this not-so handsome radiologist that’s why my xray was very quick. It’s very awkward when you’re the only one inside and they’re all males. The only thing that covered me was the lab gown that wasn’t tied because I don’t know who invented this lab gown if I can’t reach the ties.

Result: Let’s pray for the better. I don’t want to have a second x-ray.

Well, if it’s the handsome radiologist I would really smoke again and let him check my breasts, I mean my lungs again.

Step 6 – My hatest and last step: URINALYSIS

It was quarter to 10 and we all had to go back. I really felt like peeing already so we all went to the loo.

I went in the cubicle, dropped my pants, squatted a little, tried peeing slowly… Very very slowly…

Fuckyeah!

Source: Google

It was my first time peeing in the container without any spill! I am so proud of myself!

Result: I washed my hands via the happy birthday process. In addition, I put alcogel thrice on my hands after washing. Ewwww. My pee was warm (though love it), unlike my heart – very very cold

The real result will come out maybe 6 months from now, not sure though

Overall Result: Pending

Advertisements

36 thoughts on “Anal, Oops Annual Physical Exam 2016

      1. Na tumitibok parin ang puso ko at ang pusong ito ay tumitibok para lang sa kanya. Hanapin ko siya mamaya. Alam ko name nung medical keme na nag-facilitate eh.

        Like

      1. Simple lang. Xray, blood test, urinalysis, eye checkup, tapos yung sa doctor parang joke. Hahaha. Sabi sa akin nung doctor last time, wag na namin gawin kasi aalis na siya. -_-

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Hmmm… I like the sound of that. Kuya Charly. That’s better. My cardiologist called me ‘Tatay’ the other day.:( Was tempted not to buy his prescriptions after that. Maybe I should change my cardio, what say?

    Liked by 1 person

      1. aha!!! huli ka! kung crispanatic ka, mas matanda ka pa pala sakin! kasi ang favorite team ko purefoods no? di hamak, manang, na mas matanda sina adornado kina patrimonio no?!?! hahaha! huli!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Nabanggit mo rin ba yung sumasakit pag jumijebs ka girl? Tinanong niya ba kung gaano kasakit? (like scale 1-10, 1 konting sakit, 10 sobrang sakit – parang binlock ka ng chorva mo sa Facebook, ganyan haha). Kasi pag nasa 8-10 na yan, dapat mag-alala ang doktor (Yung totoo, may mga doktor talaga na di magaling, walang pake sa pasyente).

    Kahit med professional ako, winiwaive ko yang breast, genital at anal, Buti ka pa, kaya mong ipakita lahat hahaha. :)) Masarap basahin itong recap mo ng PE – sobrang boring ng PE charting notes IRL! (except na lang kung “pail conjunctiva”, “pail nail beds” ang nalagay dahil sa kasabawan)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hindi ko nabanggit. Para kasing nagmanadali si Doc :( hahahaha siguro nasanay na akong naghuhubad parati!! Hahahaha. Woops. Rated R. Shet ano daw? Conjuctiva? Hahahaha

      Like

      1. Rated R sa mga bata lol. Normal naman makaramdam niyan eh. Mas ingat lang tayong mga babae; hindi naman kasi lalake ang nagbubuntis at nanganganak if ever.

        Makakapagpraktis na sana ako ng paghuhubad kaya lang naubusan ng pasensya eh haha </3 (I believe pinaghahandaan yan, lalo na maternal and child pa naman hawak ko, kelangan ma-praktis ang tinuturo ko. tapos tumataas ang HIV/AIDS dito shet)

        Paano na lang kaya kung i-tatranslate lahat ng medical terms sa Filipino hahahaha (pero infer sa ibang bansa, ginagamit talaga nila ang sariling wika)

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Hahaha sa radiologist mas handa ako maghubad. Nyahaha. Totoo. Tska sa lagay kong ito, maingat na talaga ako magbuntis noh. Matinding proteksyon ang kailangan. Di ko pa kaya sundan si Alessandra please. Hahaha

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Hahahahaha ay teh sana may pic si radiologist!

        Pero ang general suggestion talaga ng spacing, 2-3 years. Pahinga ka muna (at katawan mo). At ang bebe mo ay lumalaki ng mabilis; crucial period of development itong first 2-3 years niya :)

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hindi nga ako na xray, paano ko siya makukuhaan ng pic. I will try to find him later hahaha si Jolens din gusto makita eh haha! Oo pahinga muna ako. Ewan ko lang sa sex kung makakapagpahinga ako. Charaught. Tama ka dyan friend. Thank you Nurse Luna!! :’)

        Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s